All I did was sew a button onto a piece of paper

On envy and the creative life

I went to a party recently where a lot of Very Arty People were in attendance. Some good friends of ours whom we haven’t seen since before COVID hosted a May the Fourth get-together, complete with backyard screening of the original Star Wars.

The hosts are local filmmakers who have their own production company. Their home is a virtual gallery of their original artwork and sculptures, and they do cool stuff like make movies for the 48-hour Film Project and turn their dining room into a realistic-looking concrete bunker for filming shorts. We’ve attended a handful or so of these backyard screeing parties over the years, and there are always lots  of cinematographers, actors, writers and other creative folks among the guests.

I can always tell how my own creative life is going by how I feel after we leave.

Sometimes I feel energized and inspired being around so many other arty types. But other times I am left with a residue of envy.

Guess which half of the pattern I’m inhabiting lately.

I am aware enough now to understand that this envy arises when I haven’t been filling my own creative well. But understanding alone doesn’t make it go away.

And the same way you see yellow V-W’s all over the place as soon as you buy one¹, I’m now seeing references to envy and professional jealousy all around me.

At a recent talk in Point Loma, writer Anne Lamott said even after 20 books she still compares her insides to other people’s outsides.

Rebecca Makkai

describes in the latest issue of Poets & Writers how she “rage-puked with envy over another author’s success.”

And

Teresa Wong

who writes and draws Closet Dispatch, one of my favorite Substacks, once wrote this about creative envy:

For a while there, it seemed like everyone I knew was making significant progress on their creative projects or announcing book deals or receiving praise and acclaim for their amazing work while I remained totally stalled and barely able to read a book, much less write one. That kind of envy did not inspire. I felt defeated, even though I know other people’s success has nothing to do with my own. Professional envy is almost always a dead end.

So is there a cure?

I happened upon one in a surprising place: my dream journal. One definition of Hell might be having to listen to someone describing their dreams, so I’ll keep this as short as possible.

I was paging through the journal when an entry from last fall titled “It Doesn’t Seem Like I Made Very Much Art²” jumped out at me. I described being in huge room with a lot of other adults and tons of art supplies. Eventually I pull out a piece of card stock and sew a button onto it with heavy thread, then glue some tissue paper strips to a pice of canvas. But then our time is over and everyone has to leave. I look at what I’ve done and say, “I only sewed a button onto some paper.” And someone else says, “Well, things take as long as they take.”

And here’s the kicker — the last line in the entry reads, “Or perhaps it is I that say that.”

I recreated the button from my dream as a visual reminder, then second-guessed myself on which button and what kind of thread I used. Sigh … Baby steps!

So what are you saying, former Self? That I should just keep doing the work, and sometimes all you do is sew one button onto a piece of paper and that is just fine? That I shoudn’t compare myself to everyone else?

Yep.

Which is basically what Anne Lamott and Rebecca Makkai and Teresa Wong also said.

> CD #109: What is enough?

But the fact that my subconscious was working so hard to tell me through the image of the button made it land in a way I couldn’t hear quite as well from someone else.

So here’s to that button. Maybe that’s all I’ve got in me today. But if it’s meaningful, good and honest work, maybe that can be enough.

And if it’s enough, it can close the door to envy and open the door to celebrating fellow artists’ successes instead. By, for example, preordering Teresa Wong’s second graphic memoir that she recently completed and will be amazing when it comes out this fall.

Where I’m performing

If there’s one thing that fills my creative well, it’s working with the incredible folks at San Diego’s own So Say We All, an arts nonprofit dedicated to helping people tell their stories and tell them better. I’ve been both a performer and volunteer mentor for So Say We All over the years and can’t say enough about what it means to me.

SSWA is bringing its flagship VAMP storytelling showcase to North County on June 3rd and I’m in the show!

So for all my San Diego and North County peeps, especially those of you for whom anything south of the 56 is basically another country, this show is for you!

We’ll be at Inzane Brewing in downtown Vista, 236 Main Street, from 7-9 p.m. Monday, June 3rd. Come for a night of true storytelling (and beer!🍻) that I guarantee will be completely worth it. All the deets are on the SSWA website as well as Facebook. I hope to see you there.😁

What I’m (going to be) reading

If you read the recent Be Your Own Hero post linked below, you’ll know I’ve become obsessed with the Audrey audiobook app³, tagline: “Read the classics with an expert guide.”

Finding queerness, Britney Spears, the Bad Art Friend, and superyachts in the classics

In June, Audrey is hosting a listen-along for James Joyce’s Ulysses, and I am all over it. Wanna join me?

I figure the only way I will ever read this notoriously long and complex book is on a schedule with other people, which is exactly what the listen-along provides.

In addition to the schedule and the guide materials on the Audrey app, the listen-along also includes a discussion group hosted on The StoryGraph, another of my favorite book-related apps.

Nothing says summer like a classic tome of modernist literature, amiright? So whaddaya say? Sign up here to join me on the quest.

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There you have it, my friends. How do you respond to creative envy? Do you think it ever goes away completely? I’d love to hear your experiences. Reply to this email or leave a comment below. All respectful discussion is welcome.

1. Which is apparently called the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon — who knew?

2. I learned a technique for dream journaling from this podcast episode from Burnout authors

Emily Nagoski

and her sister Amelia where you write the story of what happened in present tense and then add a meaningful title also in present tense. The results can be surprisingly insightful.

3. I am not an affiliate and don’t get any bonus for recommending Audrey. Just a fan!